There are occasions, like now, where I feel like I’m drifting, unsure of life’s priorities, unsure of where I’m heading. It includes a sense of guilt at expectations unmet, aspirations unachieved and hopes dashed. It includes the feeling of unresolved personal relationships, including of those close to me within my own family, of my mum, my wife and childred, my sisters, and my late father, those then closer, my in-laws, those through my own marriage or through my siblings, and others related to me. Those among my friends who I fail to endear myself to, whether they be in good health, or not as in Aman Firdaus’ case, and whether I have responded justly to those that I know, or those I have yet to know.
All this seems to point to me leaving behind an agenda, frequently dubbed in sort of secret code, “Sebuah Agenda Perjuangan”. It’s a simple concept, and it consists of several life creed that we live with and die for. Not having this means a life tortured by meaningless meanderings, of uncertainties. For a while, early in my twenties, I grasped the concept. Then I let it go when I could not find the balance between what is right and what is necessarily pragmatic. And thence starts the cycle that I need to break free from.
Living for something means I am able to overcome hardship in the form of mental fortitude when people start throwing dirt and shit at you for what you hold dear. It comes in the shape of rising above the stupid and the crass, the bitchy and the intolerant, and preaching the language of peace while maintaining the direction of truth and good. It is easy to speak in these terms, but without a built-in intrinsic moral compass to dissect what is right or wrong, we may forever end up going in cycles.
Interpersonal skills are indispensable. Being respectful, maintaining good relations, being courteous, curious and without a trace of an arrogant air, while being assertive should be an everyday habitual occurrence. Being respectful of others should not mean replacing respect for my own self. Stand my ground on things which I feel is right, stop asking for directions at every intersection, but start pointing out directions.
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